Milestones and Memories

It's 3 months today.

We lost our beloved Ariel 3 months ago today and it still does not seem real. I'm still waiting for him to call me from work 5 times a day. I'm still waiting for him to come through the patio door with a load of bags from Jewel and ask where the kids are so they can unload the groceries from the car. I'm still waiting for him to come in from the garage and say "C'mon babe, let's go for a ride and talk and get out of here for a while". I still expect him to be in the bed next to me when I wake up in the middle of the night, even though I don't sleep in there.

3:30 - 4:00 p.m. every day is horrible. It's when I automatically start anticipating him coming home from work and I've built my whole schedule around that for so long - always trying to plan my day so that I could take a short break from work to greet him when he got home for the day, and get a hug and a kiss, and have a quick chat before I went back to work.

I realized last week that I don't have to plan my day for that anymore. What a horrid realization that was and it was shocking and painful. It was so ingrained in me to plan my day around the time he would get home, always looking forward to him coming in the door with that huge smile. Steal a quick hug and kiss, exchange some small chat about the days events and scoot back to work - happy and looking forward to the evening together.

I was rushing through something on Friday at work and kept looking at the clock, automatically trying to figure out if I could finish my task on time. Friday is date night - we could go for a drive or get a movie or go for a nice bike ride cause the weather wasn't too bad.

I looked at the clock for the millionth time and realized - omigod - he's not going to be coming home and telling me to hurry and finish work so we could go for a bike ride. He's not going to come in the door and steal a kiss and tell me that he's going to run to Jewel cause he wants to make something special for dinner and, of course, we don't have the one ingredient he would need for that. He's not going to come in the door and tell me that he bought that book that I've been waiting to read and ask if he should put it on the nightstand so I can read it when I go to sleep, or should he put it on the end table so I can start reading it as soon as I'm done with work.

It was another milestone. Realizing that my daily schedule no longer revolves around him getting home from work. It was such a shock. There have been so many shocks like that.

I've had to delete most of his recorded programs from the DVR - that was hard. We were running out of room on there and there were so many of his programs on there. I spent several hours watching some of them and crying.

Oly came over Saturday and we spent several hours moving some of the tools from two of the smaller tool boxes into the newer, larger one. Oly and I had a few laughs and were able to share some nice memories. I spent most of the time struggling not to cry and not succeeding. Wally and Maria came by with Little David (what a cutie!!) and Oly and Wally loaded up the two smaller toolboxes into Wally's truck. Ariel and Wally had decided months ago to do this but had not had a chance. We all hung out in the kitchen after and had a few beers and it was so nice to see them. Starting to deal with the tool situation was a milestone.

Coping with the garage situation is another milestone, one that I've been avoiding as much as possible. Ariel was a very patient man. He waited 12 years for that garage and he really loved it and I was so happy for him that 'the playground' was finally done and he could go out there and do the things he had always talked about. He had alot of plans for out there - he was going to rebuild both of the VW's and take his time and enjoy it. He wanted to convert one of them to electric and install a solar panel for it and we had some really great conversations about that. He was going to eventually get another car to rebuild and had so much fun researching that. He was going to get the loft storage and all the tools sorted and organized and setup as a proper mechanics garage. We talked alot about his plans and dreams and ideas for out there and we were both pretty excited about all of it.

And now that won't happen. For the most part, I avoid the garage as much as I can. There are days though, that I go out there, turn on the lights, close the door and cry. I breath deep, and I can smell him out there - I inhale that and hold it as long as I can. I walk around and look at things and remember. I think about all the dreams and ideas and plans - how excited we were about all the things he would be able to do out there. I remember so many conversations about all the possibilities. So many memories.

There is still alot to do out there but I have to work up the courage to face it. I'm not ready for that yet.

There are all these little milestones and it's only been 3 months. There's so much that I'm not ready to think about or deal with yet. I don't like the milestones - each time feels like I'm losing a small piece of him and it's harsh. With some milestones - like the car - I have no choice, I have to deal with it. With others, I will wait - I don't want to lose any more pieces, they are too precious.