Familiar Moment

Just had a bittersweet 'familiar moment'.

I was on a training call for work, and there were several members of the 'original crew' on the call and an old joke came up and we all giggled - it was an old inside joke and a nice moment. It was nice because it was genuinely funny but it was also nice because it was familiar - the original crew has always had a great sense of humor and we always had a lot of laughs together.

The nice moment was so sweet and familiar, especially after so many years of similar moments with this same group, that it automatically triggered another different moment.

After our little giggle about the old inside joke, which was so sweet and so familiar, I automatically looked up at the clock and thought "Oh Ariel will be home from work soon, I can't wait to tell him about this!".

Sigh.

It was automatic. That thought just popped into my head. The little giggle shared with my work buddies was so cute, and I used to tell Ariel about alot of the funny stuff from work or my day in general and he always got a kick out of it. He loved those little tidbits - little anecdotes and stories, and we spent so very many hours sharing that kind of stuff in conversation every day. Oh how I miss talking to him!! That thought just popping into my head was such a familiar moment.

After so many years of those conversations, it was natural that I automatically thought about telling him about it - we've had these conversations for 25 years. I was excited thinking about telling him my little story, imagining what funny thing he would say back, picturing his face as I told him, anticipating his huge smile and loud laugh because it's an old inside joke that he's familiar with and would enjoy. I was buoyant for all of about 3 seconds.

Then it hit me. Reality made a nasty appearance in my thought process and crushed me. I went from excited and delightfully anticipating his reaction to realizing that the conversation would not happen. I deflated like a popped balloon - my heart clenching and stomach sinking and pain invading and tears flowing uncontrolled and completely unstoppable.

It's excruciating thinking about all the conversations and events and just daily little things that he will no longer have. It's so painful thinking about everything he's not going to be part of.

I'm so grateful for that unexpected little giggle - I can't find it in me to laugh very often right now.

I'm also grateful for that little familiar moment when that thought popped into my head, even though it eventually led to pain and sadness. I pretty much have two operating modes right now - I'm either completely numb and pretending to everyone that I'm ok or I'm so overwhelmed with pain and sadness that I simply cannot function. At least, for those 3 little seconds, there was a moment of not thinking about him being gone forever and all that that means - for those 3 seconds I was in a different operating mode - I was happy.

It was such a blessing to have those 3 seconds. 3 seconds where I was thinking about him with delighted anticipation to share my funny little story, instead of the normal state of either being numb or being engulfed in pain and sadness when thinking about him.

I'm so very grateful for that familiar moment, for those 3 seconds. I can't imagine there will be many more, especially as it has not happened at all since he passed, so I really treasure this one.