Just had a bittersweet 'familiar moment'.
I was on a training call for work, and there were several members of the 'original crew' on the call and an old joke came up and we all giggled - it was an old inside joke and a nice moment. It was nice because it was genuinely funny but it was also nice because it was familiar - the original crew has always had a great sense of humor and we always had a lot of laughs together.
The nice moment was so sweet and familiar, especially after so many years of similar moments with this same group, that it automatically triggered another different moment.
After our little giggle about the old inside joke, which was so sweet and so familiar, I automatically looked up at the clock and thought "Oh Ariel will be home from work soon, I can't wait to tell him about this!".
Sigh.
It was automatic. That thought just popped into my head. The little giggle shared with my work buddies was so cute, and I used to tell Ariel about alot of the funny stuff from work or my day in general and he always got a kick out of it. He loved those little tidbits - little anecdotes and stories, and we spent so very many hours sharing that kind of stuff in conversation every day. Oh how I miss talking to him!! That thought just popping into my head was such a familiar moment.
After so many years of those conversations, it was natural that I automatically thought about telling him about it - we've had these conversations for 25 years. I was excited thinking about telling him my little story, imagining what funny thing he would say back, picturing his face as I told him, anticipating his huge smile and loud laugh because it's an old inside joke that he's familiar with and would enjoy. I was buoyant for all of about 3 seconds.
Then it hit me. Reality made a nasty appearance in my thought process and crushed me. I went from excited and delightfully anticipating his reaction to realizing that the conversation would not happen. I deflated like a popped balloon - my heart clenching and stomach sinking and pain invading and tears flowing uncontrolled and completely unstoppable.
It's excruciating thinking about all the conversations and events and just daily little things that he will no longer have. It's so painful thinking about everything he's not going to be part of.
I'm so grateful for that unexpected little giggle - I can't find it in me to laugh very often right now.
I'm also grateful for that little familiar moment when that thought popped into my head, even though it eventually led to pain and sadness. I pretty much have two operating modes right now - I'm either completely numb and pretending to everyone that I'm ok or I'm so overwhelmed with pain and sadness that I simply cannot function. At least, for those 3 little seconds, there was a moment of not thinking about him being gone forever and all that that means - for those 3 seconds I was in a different operating mode - I was happy.
It was such a blessing to have those 3 seconds. 3 seconds where I was thinking about him with delighted anticipation to share my funny little story, instead of the normal state of either being numb or being engulfed in pain and sadness when thinking about him.
I'm so very grateful for that familiar moment, for those 3 seconds. I can't imagine there will be many more, especially as it has not happened at all since he passed, so I really treasure this one.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Impact
I keep hearing stories about how Ariels unexpected and sudden death has impacted people.
I hear that people hug their kids a little more.
I hear that people smile a little more.
I hear that people are trying to be more generous without expecting anything in return a little more.
I hear that people are trying to be better prepared if anything unexpected happens to them.
It's good to know that Ariels passing has had this type of impact.
That it makes a difference to those whose lives he touched, even if inadvertently.
There are those whose lives are greatly impacted. Myself, our children, his family, my family, the Marines, his Work Buddies, our Friends and Neighbors.
Then there are those who are inadvertently affected by the passing of this amazing person. There are several factors at work here - his huge smile, which he shared with everyone freely. His good naturedness, which, even if you only met him once, you took note of immediately. His genuine ability to like everyone upon meeting them, the good things that you might have heard about him, well - the list could go on and on.
I don't recall anyone ever meeting Ariel and not immediately liking him. I'm sure there must have been one somewhere, throughout the time we were so lucky to spend together and all of the people we met (and believe me, there were many), even though everyone's first comment to me was usually how great he was and how happy they were to meet him.
Regardless, I do sincerely hope that his unexpected and sudden passing is having the impact that people are telling me about.
Ariel was a good soul. A genuinely good soul. The kind that are far and few between these days. We were all blessed to know him and have him in our lives - he was that kind of guy. I certainly hope that his passing is having the impact that people are telling me about. I hope that all of the goodness and generosity and kindness and humor and compassion that he had means something and is impacting people in their daily lives. I cannot imagine that it doesn't. Those of us who were fortunate enough to share in the joy that was Ariel do know what I'm talking about. Those who were fortunate enough to know him even only peripherally also know, as it describes the person we are all meant to and hope to be.
No, I'm am not 'over' the pain of losing him.
No, I will never 'recover' from this.
What I will do, what I hope I my children will do, what I hope that everyone who has had the infinite pleasure of meeting or knowing Ariel will do, is to
be good
and
be genuine.
That's all.
Hug your kids a little tighter. Make sure that your affairs are in order. Lend a helping hand, with a HUGE smile on your face, to someone in need.
Be the person you are supposed to be, the person you were meant to be.
Let this have an impact - a good one - on you.
That's what he would have wanted.
from thpeoe other"
n's
My friend recently used the word 'symbiotic' to decribe Ariel and I, and our relationship as a couple, and I found that description to be very apt, although our relationship was more of the beneficial nature.
I hear that people hug their kids a little more.
I hear that people smile a little more.
I hear that people are trying to be more generous without expecting anything in return a little more.
I hear that people are trying to be better prepared if anything unexpected happens to them.
It's good to know that Ariels passing has had this type of impact.
That it makes a difference to those whose lives he touched, even if inadvertently.
There are those whose lives are greatly impacted. Myself, our children, his family, my family, the Marines, his Work Buddies, our Friends and Neighbors.
Then there are those who are inadvertently affected by the passing of this amazing person. There are several factors at work here - his huge smile, which he shared with everyone freely. His good naturedness, which, even if you only met him once, you took note of immediately. His genuine ability to like everyone upon meeting them, the good things that you might have heard about him, well - the list could go on and on.
I don't recall anyone ever meeting Ariel and not immediately liking him. I'm sure there must have been one somewhere, throughout the time we were so lucky to spend together and all of the people we met (and believe me, there were many), even though everyone's first comment to me was usually how great he was and how happy they were to meet him.
Regardless, I do sincerely hope that his unexpected and sudden passing is having the impact that people are telling me about.
Ariel was a good soul. A genuinely good soul. The kind that are far and few between these days. We were all blessed to know him and have him in our lives - he was that kind of guy. I certainly hope that his passing is having the impact that people are telling me about. I hope that all of the goodness and generosity and kindness and humor and compassion that he had means something and is impacting people in their daily lives. I cannot imagine that it doesn't. Those of us who were fortunate enough to share in the joy that was Ariel do know what I'm talking about. Those who were fortunate enough to know him even only peripherally also know, as it describes the person we are all meant to and hope to be.
No, I'm am not 'over' the pain of losing him.
No, I will never 'recover' from this.
What I will do, what I hope I my children will do, what I hope that everyone who has had the infinite pleasure of meeting or knowing Ariel will do, is to
be good
and
be genuine.
That's all.
Hug your kids a little tighter. Make sure that your affairs are in order. Lend a helping hand, with a HUGE smile on your face, to someone in need.
Be the person you are supposed to be, the person you were meant to be.
Let this have an impact - a good one - on you.
That's what he would have wanted.
from thpeoe other"
n's
My friend recently used the word 'symbiotic' to decribe Ariel and I, and our relationship as a couple, and I found that description to be very apt, although our relationship was more of the beneficial nature.
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